Skate or Die (1988) NES Game Review

Skate or Die
Developed by: Konami
Published by: Ultra Games
Released in: December 1988 (NA), 1990 (EU)

As a kid, many precious Sunday afternoons were spent with my mom at the local mall. One fateful Zellers visit, mom let me wander off while she shot the breeze with a friend she’d bumped into there. On my way to ogle the video games, I noticed that somebody had torn a skateboard out of its plastic box.

There it laid in the middle of the aisle. Unattended. Free. Like me, in that moment.

I had no prior experience with skateboarding, but by gum, I rode all over that Zellers. The stale mall air conditioning whipped through my hair as I got a feel for turning, got a taste for going faster. I might have even tried a trick or two, but it was too soon for that. Much too soon. For the first time in my very short life, I felt…rebellious. I felt free. Perhaps skating was my calling. I’d grow up to be one of the all-time greats, like Tony Hawk, or some other guy that was still good because I don’t know any other professional skaters by name.

So after a good hour of sweet liberation, a jobsworth Zellers employee told me to knock that shit off. And just like that, it was time to let it go. I trudged back to mother, head hung low, board tucked under my arm. In a moment of desperation, I begged her to buy me the board. After that intense time sharing in the wordless language of shred, the board felt like an extension of my self, and I couldn’t do without it. But I wasn’t exactly an articulate child, so those profound emotions probably came out like “PUH-LEEEEEZE I promise I’ll get good grades for the next ten years and I’ll be your best friend!!”

She said not today, but maybe wait until Christmas time, you never know what Santa might bring. Santa never did bring little NESJunk a skateboard. The dream was dead. I was dead too, but like, on the inside. And now, less little NESJunk must tackle Skate or Die, and that trauma comes flooding back.

Skate or Die is the most banal kind of video game in existence: the mini-game compilation. There’s a high jump, racing, jousting in an empty pool, and some more I’m forgetting because I don’t care. Each game lasts roughly a minute, so any extended play or replays will have SoD overstaying its welcome like the long-term impact of surfer bro lingo on the North American lexicon. That’s my way of telling you this thing has zero replay value. Brah.

The controls are a horror story told without words, murdering the sliver of child-like wonder I still held toward the sport of skateboarding in the darkest recesses of my cold, dead heart. Worst of all, every one of the mini-games has its own unique control scheme, and they are all as cruel as each other. It must truly be experienced to be believed. The graphics are hit-or-miss, but the music not half bad. Believe it or not, Skate or Die is a Konami developed game, and it sounds like one too.

One thing I’ll say in Skate or Die‘s favour is that it’s nostalgic to the MAXX. It’s the perfect time capsule that captures the attitude and aesthetic of late 80’s skater culture. It’s got a real screwball sense of humour to it, too – why is the guy who runs the skate shop a rapidly aging ex-Marine Rodney Dangerfield with a blue mohawk? Why does Poseur Pete hang at Rodney’s backyard BBQ when everyone is so insistent on calling him a Poseur? Its silliness is a great boon amidst the dry desert of unpleasant gameplay.

The only thing saving this game from getting a lower score is that it’s crazy short. If all you’re interested in is a clear, the whole thing will be over in less than 10 minutes. But Skate or Die supports a whopping 8 players in its competition mode, so the true purpose of this game clearly lies in its multiplayer. A game where you could practice endlessly when you’re home alone, so you could impress and/or annoy your friends when the time finally came to flaunt your skills. I hate the mini-game genre for this express reason; with rare exception, they feel borderline worthless as a single player affair.

There’s a nostalgic reverence that hangs around Skate or Die; and it’s not just for the memes. People who grew up with it adore it. And I get that. Our childhood games, much like our childhood experiences, are always going to be some of the most important to us. Sadly, only people who grew up with Skate or Die will draw any enjoyment out of it in this day and age.

I implore you, brosef, let the scales fall from your eyes and see this filth as it is meant to be seen! Not to sound like a mondo bummer, but the seven minutes it’ll take you to play all of the mini-games are much better spent talking to someone you love, or breathing deep in the delectable fresh air the world outside offers you!

Final score: