The real Caesar’s Palace is one of the most famous casinos on Earth. Home to high profile sporting events, a sprawling 50,000 square foot spa, an entire shopping mall, and more gambling than the most seasoned slot jockey can shake a stick at, one would be anything but bored there. The NES game of the same name has nothing in common with the real casino, because there is nothing fun or interesting to see here.
Caesar’s Palace is as straightforward as a gambling video game could possibly be. You’ve got slot machines, video poker, blackjack, roulette, and a big six money wheel to make your fortune. There are no characters to interact with, no interesting events like in Vegas Dream, or even other rooms to go into; what you see is what you get. Oh, but you can stare at the washroom doors. I guess that’s something.
When there’s something that requires artwork – the title screen, the cashier, and the sign outside, for example – the graphics are lovely and detailed, and sport some pleasing palettes. These pieces must’ve had a separate artist working on those, because the graphics for the actual gambling games you sit there and stare at until the end of time look as basic as can be. There’s no music while you play the games either, meaning you’re left with nothing to listen to but the echo of your innermost thoughts as the computer beats your ass at blackjack time and time again. What few sound effects there are sound more like 8-bit farts than anything I’ve ever heard at a casino.
There’s no reward for doing well, either. There are kinda sorta multiple endings, but not really; the only thing that changes between them is the sprite of the vehicle that drives away from the casino when you leave. You can leave the building at any time, so on a strict technicality, you could beat this game in 5 seconds or less. I wouldn’t blame anyone for trying that, because staring at the vehicle is probably the most interesting thing on the entire cartridge. They must’ve been handing out Nintendo Seals of Quality for free the day Virgin Games submitted Caesar’s Palace for approval.
I am a firm believer that gambling video games are the most tedious invention in human history. Thanks to genuine games of chance being games of chance, there’s no strategy involved. There’s also no real stakes, since the money’s all fake anyways. That means every time I hit that A button to start the next spin of the slot machine, I’m left to sit there and wait to see a random result to something I have no way to change, and no investment in either. Someone out there must like these types of games, but that someone is not me.
In-between bouts of seething, Caesar’s Palace on the NES makes me question why I’m even alive. Are we as human beings brought into this world to endure pain, and nothing more? Rage, despair, elation…such trivial emotions evaporate in the wake of the all-encompassing tedium Virgin Games unleashed upon this mortal coil. As I watch the slot’s reels spin for the hundredth, the thousandth, the millionth time, the sensation that is the cessation of desire and the end of suffering seeps into my bones that little bit more, permeating my consciousness. Am I inching ever closer to achieving nirvana? Or is this game just ass?
Final Score:
NESJunk 