Back when I was a wee child, I had this board game called The Hamburger Game. To this day, I have no idea where it came from, so I can only guess that it manifested itself in my closet through otherworldly, malevolent means. I was obsessed with this piece of crap. The burning urge to slap together a board game burger gripped me like a vice and wouldn’t let go, though I couldn’t tell you why. I’ll just pin the blame on otherworldly, malevolent means again. I can’t remember the rules now, but the goal of the game was to collect all of the pieces of a hamburger to make it whole once more. Whoever assembles their burger first wins! If this sounds ridiculous to you, that’s because it was.
I went through a bizarre, unexplainable phase where I made my mom play The Hamburger Game with me every day for the better part of a month, and bless her, she actually slogged her way through it for my sake day in and day out. My mom eventually convinced me to move onto greener board game pastures once we got Perfection! in the house – probably as a way to curb my intense Hamburger Game addiction – but I could’ve happily continued on my hamburger making streak if no one had bothered to intervene.
How I’m going to make this relevant to Battleship on the NES will become clear in time, I promise.
Battleship on the NES is a video game adaptation of the popular strategy board game of the same name. Of course, this isn’t Risk levels of strategy we’re talking about here – it’s more like an elevated game of Go Fish with little plastic boats. It’s straightforward enough that kids have been able to easily pick up and play the thing for decades, which means it’s bound to make an excellent video game that’ll provide hours of fun! Right?
No. Not right at all. Battleship on the NES sucks.
I decided to check out Battleship for two reasons: 1) I already know how the game is played, and 2) I thought this would be a quick clear – most NES board games take twenty minutes at best to be finished with, so how long could this one be? As it turns out, I’m a dumb ass stupid ass boo boo the fool ass fool for assuming anything about this game would be merciful, palatable, or anything resembling fun. SOMEHOW, Battleship manages to wheeze its way through 40 levels of the exact same gameplay. Forty. The big four-oh. This is not a good thing because, again, Battleship on the NES sucks. Perhaps this was penance for forcing my mom to endure so much of The Hamburger Game all those years ago…karma had its kiss for me.
The rules are the same as the board game: guess where your opponent has hidden their ships, and fire away; repeat until someone’s entire fleet is destroyed. The basic game consists of three measly screens: one where your ships are placed, one where your enemy’s ships are placed, and the exact same animation sequence when you/your opponent launches an attack, no matter what ship you’re attacking. Even if you miss and hit no ship at all, the animation doesn’t change, and it still shows a ship on the screen. Whether this is an efficient re-use of precious art assets or sheer laziness is anyone’s guess. The play field is a dull slate gray, and the battleships are a slightly darker dull slate gray, too. Outside of victory screens, that’s all there is to look at while you play – the board game somehow managed to have better graphics than the video game. The song that plays during gameplay is actually pretty good…but it’s the only song that plays during gameplay. To say that this gets old fast is a gross and irresponsible understatement.
Though there’s a slight increase in difficulty as the levels progress, Battleship was never a challenge. The game tries to spice things up by adding new ships for you to place every five levels, but that’s about the extent of the variety here. The worst “addition” has to be the submarine; it’s an obnoxious one-tile ship that you’ll either accidentally destroy by pure dumb luck, or waste the majority of the time you spend on each level desperately trying to find where the little shit is hiding. It’s aggravating as all hell, and can potentially elongate a game by minutes. Agonizing, agonizing minutes.
If you’re mad enough to actually try taking on Battleship in full, you’re looking at a minimum of four hours of game time. For me, I’d say it was something more like six. Six hours of the same song, the same three screens, the same brain leakingly dull gameplay. When I close my eyes, all I see are monochrome grids. This game is the very definition of “gets old quick.” The boredom was beginning to grate on my nerves past a point. I found myself clutching my head in exasperation, muttering “why would someone do this to another person? Who is this game for?!”
And that’s when it hit me. “Who is this game for?” A little kid who forced their mom to play the same board game every day for a month, that’s who. The kind of kid who can’t get enough of something, no matter how crap it may be. Looking into the opinions of others on NES Battleship will reveal more than a few unimpressed folks, sure, but there were plenty of people who gushed about the game being one of their childhood favourites, based solely on the fact that they loved the board game so much that they were ecstatic to have a video game iteration to mess around with. The epiphany struck hard: every game, no matter how bad, or tedious, will always have its audience. A small handful of fans who found something to adore about it.
I feel like there’s a lesson begging to be learned in here somewhere. Does it change my opinion on the game any? No. Chewing on the little plastic boats that come with the board game is a better use of your time than playing the lamesville video game could ever hope to be. But like all games, it serves a purpose. Does it serve that same purpose in the year 2022, though? Once again, I’d have to say no. It might be halfway decent if your standards are low and you’re looking to play one or two quick rounds, or you’re a mega diehard Battleship fan; the sort of person who was first in line to see the 2012 Rihanna helmed epic on opening day. Anyone else should steer clear, because all of this grey can’t be good for your health. Once more, I am reminding you that Battleship on the NES sucks. Stay out of the water.
Final Rating:
NESJunk 