Okay buckle up because I just played this badass game called Pac Man.
I’ve done my research so let me break this legacy down for you. See this circular motherfucker? That right there’s the man. The Pac Man. Back in the olden days of the wild west of arcade times, so, like, the 80’s probably, Pac Man was THE kingpin. Nobody wanted to play fuckin’ Space Invaders or Centipede once this spherical legend hit the scene. Men, women, children, cats and dogs, probably even your mom, nobody’s quarters were safe around this beast.
They don’t just call him “Pac Man” for nothing, either; he EARNED that title by shredding through the trifling ass wussy baby ghosts that try and FAIL to chase his bad ass around with nothing but his RIPPLING JAW MUSCLES. He does this to keep the useless citizens of Pac Land safe. I only wish I had even one percent of the incomprehensible manliness Pac Man had going on for him. Since I beat this game I’ve shaved my head and practiced opening my mouth at a perfect 90 degree angle at all times, but such glory cannot be attained overnight. I only hope I can be worthy one day, and that the vintage Pac Man lunch box I impulse purchased will help me achieve my goals. I’ve got Pac Man fever and I’m going out of my mind.
But enough out my desperate internal struggles, this is about PAC MAN. When Pac clears a screen, the whole world resets and you have to do all that shit all over again. The first time that happened I was like WHAT but then I totally got what they were going for. Like, a true badass hero’s work is never done, so as soon as he finishes more trouble pops up and he’s got to teach those undead little shits a lesson all over again. It’s symbolic or something.
But get into this gig; the ghosts aren’t slouches, either. They’re like, next level omega on the shits and can kill Pac Man if they so much as TOUCH him. What kind of super beast can kill a God anyway? I just pooped my pants trying to wrap my head around it.
Now that you know how metal the ghosts are, you can see how INSANELY STRONG Pac Man is to be able to kill them like it’s nothing. Pac can only maul the dickweed ghosts if he eats this thing called a Power Pellet first. Even though I researched like crazy so I could be more like Pac Man I couldn’t find out what they were made of so I’m just gonna assume it’s a prescription and move on. Until he pops that pill, Pac Man’s just fucking toying with these floaty little bastards, lulling them into a false sense of security and letting them think they actually stand a chance against this berserker right here.
The NES version of Pac Man isn’t QUITE as god tier as the untouchable arcade original, but it’s still motherfucking Pac Man so I’m not about to be ungrateful, and neither should you. It’s like, if someone offered you half a bar of gold instead of the full bar, that’s still worth more than your entire life, you know what I mean? You shut up and eat your food and be grateful that Pac Man didn’t jump out of the TV and call you a bitch so intensely that even your ancestors felt it.
Anyway this is pretty much the best game I’ve ever played. Maybe even the best game of all time. If I had to rate it, I’d give it a Pac Man out of ten, because Pac Man is the penultimate. He is the End and the Beginning, the Pac Son and the Pac Father and the Holy Pac Spirit. He’s a cool guy who doesn’t afraid of anything and you should play his life story right now. FUCK.
NESJunk 